Emotional Intelligence - Maximizing Relational Value

For any relationship to deliver a measurable return on investment, strategic investment will always be required. To take full advantage of the value we can recognize through strong mentorship relationships, it’s crucial that we practice a high degree of emotional intelligence as we make those investments so we can maximize the relational value. Whether we’re being mentored or we’re mentoring someone else, candid conversations will be a necessity. That said, candor is rarely received as alliance feedback without a tailored and intentional delivery. As I mentioned in detailing the role of trust in candid conversations, it’s often less about what actually happened to the dog than how the veterinarian shares the outcome…

Thinking back to the early stages of my professional journey, I can still feel the significant differences in how I received input from each mentor. Terry was always direct, but usually shared specific details backing his suggestion. Rod was just as direct, and his input rarely seemed like a suggestion. Kevin’s approach was significantly softer, almost as if it was just an idea I should consider. At that point, I was far less secure and usually far too willing to defend my position - especially when I felt threatened. Had I not been able to answer each of the three questions I shared before from Maxwell’s Everyone Communicates, Few Connect, the value I would have pulled from my relationship with each of those mentors would have been far less. Don’t misunderstand me here, I’m in no way suggesting that any of those methods were better than another. The limiting factoring in each was my ability to receive what they were willing to share. Thankfully, my self-confidence and my emotional intelligence increased over time - at least slightly - and that helped me maximize the relational value with each mentor.

Regardless of which role we fill in a mentoring relationship, the goal is growth. To have the best shot at achieving forward progress toward that growth, how the message is delivered, even if it’s not about our dog, plays a critical role in whether it’s applied, brushed aside, or completely offensive. Even in the most authentic mentoring relationships, emotional intelligence is key to maximizing the value. In Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Travis Bradberry lists the four components of EQ as self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management. As fascinating as I found Bradberry’s work, much like everything else I’ve studied on the topic of emotional intelligence, I struggled to pull definite how-to’s that I could put into practice. As much as each component resonated with me, I couldn’t put my finger on what I would need to do to improve in any of those areas through just the lens of what I had read in any book on the topic.Thankfully, that wasn’t the only lens I had to look through.

During my time in behavior-based safety, I had taken all kinds of “personality” assessments, even though most weren’t actually focused on actual personalities. While the results from each typically rang true, I can’t remember a single time that any of those results came with detail on how I could apply them. A few years after moving into the human resources world full time, I saw one of the coolest things I had seen while touring a stone quarry. (Picture Fred Flintstone, Barney Rubble and Mr. Slate, but with real earth moving equipment instead of dinosaurs.) Everyone wore hardhats and each team member had colored stickers on the front. Having worked in safety, using a similar system for showing the type of equipment employees were authorized to operate, I asked the guy giving the tour how the colors corresponded with their equipment. He explained that the colors didn’t have anything to do with equipment or training, but showed each team member’s primary communication style. He said that allowed him to tailor how he shared his message with that individual so they had the best chance of receiving it. I didn’t realize it at the time, but this was my first real-world exposure to the DISC Model of Human Behavior.

A year or so later, I attended a workshop detailing the science behind DISC; not just some schmuck selling an overpriced assessment. With over 60 types of assessments on the market with supposed ties to DISC, most not being worth the paper they’re printed on, I learned that the science backing The Model of Human Behavior offered far more value than a report most folks shove in a drawer and never look at again. I learned that answering two simple questions could identify my primary communication and help me to recognize the primary communication style of nearly anyone I meet with a high degree of accuracy. In terms of emotional intelligence, that helps check the boxes for self-awareness and social awareness. I also learned that most of our primary communication styles change when we experience stress, even if ever-so-slightly. Recognizing those changes as they occur and working to control how it impacts our communication ties to what Bradberry referred to as self-management. That short initial session detailing the science behind the DISC Model of Human Behavior also provided me with a simple approach for adapting my communication style to the person I’m dealing with, giving them more of what they need rather than what’s most natural for me. Bradberry defined that as relationship management. After that brief session, I completed a scientifically validated (that’s important…) DISC assessment that showed me exactly what my communication style blend was and how that style blend changes when I’m stressed. I was hooked! This gave me the practical approach I needed to increase my emotional intelligence - immediately.

When we’re able to customize our candid conversation, especially in the scope of mentorship, alliance feedback takes the place of even the suggestion of constructive criticism. Having the self-awareness we can get from a tool as inexpensive as a scientifically validated DISC assessment (the one we recommend 100% of the time costs less than most fast food combos) and provides a foundation for managing how our communication changes under stress. Understanding those two simple questions to recognize someone else’s communication style (social awareness), then adapting what we share to fulfill their needs (relationship management) can be key in maximizing the value in any relationship. When that’s specific to mentorship, EQ turns those relationships into high-value leadership assets and measurable leadership growth - which is where we’ll pick up soon.